What does it matter if we have an inaccurate view of ourselves?

Well...it matters a lot.  It matters more than anything.  It affects every single aspect of our life.  You don't believe me?  Keep reading.

Let's just start with one very simple example.  Our self-perception, our self-identity, affects the way we interact with other people.  (And, can we just call it SP?  And you'll know I'm not talking about spelling?  From here on out: SP stands for self-perception.  The definition of self-perception is the way we see ourselves.  Okay?  Okay.)  Anyway, our SP affects our interactions with other people.  For ease of illustration, let's evaluate the way our SP affects our interactions with strangers.

Think about it for a few minutes before you continue reading.  How do you react to strangers?  How do you interact with them?  Are you outgoing?  Are you shy?  Are you trusting?  Are you wary?  Do you assume people are generally good or generally bad?  When you walk away, what are you thinking about? 

Or how about this:

Do you look the cashier in the eye?  Do you say "thank you" to the young man who bags your groceries?  Do you joke with your waitress?  Do you ask her how her day has gone?  If something is wrong with your meal, do you bring it to his attention?  *How* do you bring it to his attention?

All of your answers to these questions have to do with your SP.  We'll narrow it down to one of these situations.  Say you're eating dinner at a nice restaurant and your meal is not up to your standard.  We'll say that you ordered spaghetti, and, when it arrives, it's a little cold.

If your SP is a little too high, then you may feel like you deserve a nice, hot meal.  After all, you've worked hard to make enough money to come eat dinner at this nice restaurant.  It's the waitress's responsibility to get your meal out to you...nice and hot.  By golly, you're going to show her exactly how much you deserve that nice, hot meal, and you're also going to show her how poorly she's performing her duties.  As soon as she comes back by the table...

If your SP is a little too low, then you may feel like you don't deserve a nice, hot meal.  After all, the waitress is working much harder than you've had to work today.  You had a nice relaxing Saturday with your family.  She's been running around the restaurant, waiting on people all day long.  You don't deserve to put one more worry on her plate.  You'll just go ahead and eat your dinner with out saying a word.

Neither of these situations is great.  The truth is that it's a balance: you deserve a nice hot meal, but the waitress also deserves respect and the benefit of the doubt.  In all honesty, she may have had *nothing* to do with your cold meal.  The cooks get the meal ready, and she delivers it to your table.  If you're employing a healthy and accurate SP, then you realize that you are certainly worthy of a nice, hot meal, but you also realize that the waitress is someone just like you.  She's trying to do her job, and it's highly likely that she did not stick your meal in the fridge before bringing it out to you. 

Chances are, when the waitress makes it around to your table again, you'll politely mention that your spaghetti is cold and you'll ask her if there's anyway you could have a fresh portion of spaghetti.  If you bring the situation to her attention with respect, you'll most likely end up with a hot plate of spaghetti, and maybe even a free desert.  Not only that, but you have helped to preserve the waitresses SP, as well.  Perhaps you'll be the reason she heads home with her chin up, happy that she was able to help a customer, instead of heading home with tears streaming down her face. 

This is such a small example, but do you see how your view of yourself affects how you see others?  If you give yourself too much credit, then it's easy to give someone else too little credit.  If you give yourself too little credit, then it's easy to give someone else too much credit.

Okay, this is a little rough.  I'll be back tomorrow with more.  I'm trying to think of the best way to describe what I'm talking about.  Hopefully some of my point is coming through.  :)  If this post didn't make any sense, check back later to see if I'm able to explain myself better.  :)

So, we've explored the bad news: part one and part two.  I'm curious if you all agree with what I'm thinking regarding all of that.  You can leave an anonymous comment that simply says "Agree" or "Disagree".  Or you can leave no comment at all.  Like I said, I'm just curious.

The core of my thinking in this regard isn't really about bad or good news.  It's not about bad or good people.  It's more about our self-perception: how we see ourselves.  I think we get it all distorted far too often.  The bad news is that we rarely see ourselves in an accurate true light.

Unfortunately, I thought of more bad news.  I know I said it was over, but there is another way that we see ourselves, and it's not good, either.  The truth is that while we often over-estimate ourselves, we often short-change ourselves, as well.  We get down on ourselves.  We downplay our successes and our abilities/talents.  We shrug off praise in false humility or in simple ignorance of just exactly what we've done.  We go through periods where we don't believe that we're having any positive impact on our own life, much less the lives around us.

I don't know about you, but I've gone through some really extreme periods like this.  I have had times in my life where I *literally* felt like I was completely useless.  Thankfully, it has been a long time since I've felt that way.  However, I remember how terrible it was to feel that way.  I remember the sheer hopelessness that accompanied my lack of purpose and value.  I really thought I was dirt.

I was really wrong.  I wasn't giving myself enough credit.

We, as humans, view ourselves two different ways:  Either we give ourselves too much credit or we give ourselves too little credit.  You wanna know the weirdest thing?  The majority of the time, we're doing both.

This is where you stare at your screen with a confused expression.  Aren't those two self-perceptions opposite of each other?  How can we view ourselves both ways?  Maybe I mean that part of the time we view ourselves one way and then part of the time we view ourselves the other way.

That's partially true.  Above, when I described feeling worthless, I can honestly say that, at that time in my life, I was only operating in a mindset where I severely underestimated my value.  Sadly, there have been times in my life where I have severely overestimated my value, as well.  Just ask anyone who knew me during my junior and senior years of high school.

However, by and large, I really believe we view ourselves *both* ways, at the *same* time.  I think we divide ourselves and then rank those different divisions:

I am an average wife.
I am an excellent mother.
I am an average daughter.
I am a terrible daughter in law.
I am a great sister.
I am a less than average sister in law.
I am a wonderful friend.
I am a terrible friend.
I am an excellent worker.
I am a useless church member...

Do you see what I mean?  There are even parts where we literally feel like we're both.  In some ways, in some friendships, I feel like I'm a really good friend.  In other ways, in other friendships, I feel like I'm a terrible friend.  The truth is probably neither.

So...we've got these inaccurate views of ourselves.  The question is: So what?  What does it matter if I hold an inaccurate view of myself?

Well...I'm going to try to address that next.  For now, however, I'm going to stop here.  I'm sorry we're still on the "bad" news.  I'm also kind of sorry I gave it that title.  I think as we continue on, we'll begin to see that it's really not "bad" news...it's just news...a new way of viewing ourselves.

Anyway, think on this and decide if you think I'm on the right track or not.  Does this connect with you?  Can you see these things in your own life, or am I the only one?

Sometimes we deceive ourselves.  Other times, we are misled. 

Our society, in fact, our world, is doing a really good job of currently misleading us.  We are being told, from multiple sources, that there is no definite value of "good" or "true."  It's all about figuring out what works for you or your family.  Everything is relative. 

For some subjects, actually quite a few subjects, I agree.  Is red a good color?  It depends on where and how you are planning to display this color.  :)

For other subjects, I whole-heartedly disagree.  Is murder a good action?  No.  Not ever.

This idea of relative thinking has led us into a life of comparative living.  We base a lot of our actions on "better."  We figure as long as we're doing better than someone or something else, then we're doing good.

I just don't think that's right.  I think we all have a best.  I think doing any less than that of which we are fully capable is bad...or at least less than good.

Take Usain Bolt as an example.  He currently holds the world record in the 100 m dash, with a run time of 9.69 seconds.  Most people would say that's a good record.  Most people would say that was a good run.  Most people would say he did a good job.  He beat everyone else on that track by a leg length at least.

However, he stopped running a good 20 m before the race was even finished.  He slowed down, because he knew he had it in the bag.

That's less than good.  He could have done better.  If he had kept pushing himself towards the best, he would have done better than he did.  So, while his record is impressive, while his record is better than any that has been reached before this time, it is still less than what it could have been.  It is still less than what I believe he will make it in the future.  So it's less than good.

Now, don't stop reading my posts.  I know this sounds harsh.  And, please, believe me when I say that I'm not judgmental about this.  Please believe me when I say that I am constantly trying to remind myself of this fact, as well.  Please believe me when I say that I realize that there are several areas where each of our "bests" will fall at a different point on the spectrum.

I guess the only thing I'm trying to point out is that sometimes we get a skewed sense of our bad areas, because we compare them to other people's bad areas.  We can actually even forget that what we're doing is bad, because it's not as bad as something else.  In the case of controlling my speech, it's often easy for me to say, "Well, what I said really wasn't bad, seeing as how I really wanted to say ______."  Or  "I know that I lose control of my speech sometimes.  However, I'm not as bad as I used to be."  Or  "Man, I thought my speech was bad, but at least I don't say the kinds of things that Susie Q says."

Many times, we diminish our worsts by saying, "At least I'm not as bad as..."  or  "At least I don't..."

That line of thinking leads us into a trap of settling for less than good and forgetting our true identity.  We decide that we're pretty good, even though we're less than our best.  I believe that kind of thinking leads us to miss out on a whole, whole lot.  It leads us a to live a life that is less than good, less than best.

Stick with me, okay?  This is the last of the bad news.  The good stuff is around the corner.  And it'll make more sense for why we had to even discuss the bad news.

Because the truth of the matter is that:

When we finally understand who we really are...
When we finally stop living our life "better than"...
When we start looking at ourselves in an accurate and unskewed light...

Then we realize how much more we are capable of accomplishing.
We realize how much more blessing is out there for us to receive.
We realize that we are free to start living our life as the "best of"...

When we finally realize that there is something more amazing than this "better than" life we've been living, we get really excited. 

We get excited, because we finally understand that there really is more to this life. 

And don't we all want a little more?

So stick with me, okay?  The best is yet to come.

Okay, I'm nervous about writing this post.  Let me preface it by saying that I have learned these things through experience.  There are some things I have learned by observation, by watching other people live their lives.  Unfortunately, I have learned about the bad news first-hand.  Therefore, you can be sure that I am not directing this post at any one person, other than myself.  I'm just thinking that other people can probably relate to some of these things.

So, on with the show:

The bad news is that, even when I think I know (or am admitting) my worst, I'm usually actually still deceiving myself.  I'm not even happy enough to settle for deceiving myself in one way.  I go far enough to employ several types of deception.  Would you like to know some of the ways I deceive myself?  Sure you would!

Deception #1:  Admitting my weaknesses/transgressions...kind of.

I'm great at admitting my weaknesses and shortcomings...at least the ones that are bad, but not unforgivable.  I can admit that I don't always exhibit great control over my speech.  I'm often thoughtless, and I say things that end up being hurtful.  I don't work on controlling my speech as much as I should.  See that's easy to admit.  You know what's harder to admit? 

It's much harder to admit that sometimes I know that my words will hurt someone, and I choose to say them anyway.  Did you hear me?  Did you read that correctly?  I have chosen to say hurtful things to people.

And you can be sure that I'm not even admitting the worst here.  You guys got to respond anonymously, and some of you even admitted that you weren't admitting your worst.

Deception #2:  Ignoring my weaknesses/transgressions...as much as possible.

Deception #1 leads to Deception #2.  A lot of times, I can "admit" my minor weaknesses enough that I allow myself to completely ignore my major weaknesses.  And then, when they come to mind again, I can usually admit to it a little bit again, so that I can ignore it again.  I think sometimes I get so good at ignoring some of my weaknesses that I forget I have them altogether.  Kind of skews my view of myself, if I don't even remember some of my weaknesses.

Deception #3:  Justifying my weaknesses.

Oh man, am I good at this one...  I don't know how I do it, but there are a lot of times that I convince myself (and even others) that my weaknesses actually aren't that bad.  As with the earlier example, controlling my speech.  I often justify my most recent hurtful words by saying that the object of my derision deserved it.  If the person really did deserve it, then that's proper logic, right?

Wrong.  I remind you of kindergarten.  "Two wrongs do not make a right."  I don't care who you are or where you come from, that statement is true, always.  There is never any justification for doing something wrong, period.

I'm good at forgetting (or ignoring) that, though.

Deception #4:  Becoming the victim.

We've all done it before.  Still using the weakness of controlling my speech as my example:  There are many times when I have claimed that someone or something else made me do it/say it.  I'm just a victim of the circumstances.  Obviously, these past ten weeks have been slightly stressful for my family.  Being stuck in a bed is a frustrating existence.  There are several times when I have been unnecessarily short or harsh with one of my family members.  (I hope I have limited it to them.  If I have hurt anyone else, I am so sorry.  I sincerely mean it.)  Even when the little voice inside tells me that I was wrong, my first instinct is to think, "But I'M the VICTIM!!  Surely anyone would understand that I'm going to be a little bit short or harsh at this time in my life."

No excuse, friends.  No excuse.  No one did this to me.  This is an unfortunate result of the way my body is formed.  No one should have to pay for my circumstance.

And it doesn't even change if the person actually did cause or contribute to my circumstance.  I take you back to the kindergarten adage, "Two wrongs do not make a right."  They never will.  Heaping one hurt on top of another hurt never made anyone feel better.

So, there they are...the first four deceptions I can think of.  I know there are more, but I think those are probably the four that are most prevalent/most distinct.

There is one other thing that contributes to the inaccurate view of ourselves.  It's not necessarily a deception...it's more of a misunderstanding.  I'll be writing about it tomorrow, I think.  Then, we're going to move on from the bad news, okay?  :)  I don't like to dwell on the bad news!!

(P.S.  Thank you for being my sounding board!!  Much of this might be a "Duh!" sort of thing to you.  Believe me when I say that I don't think I'm unique or amazing with this stuff.  I know I'm not the first one who has realized some of these things.  However, I really feel like I'm supposed to be writing this stuff.  So, until I think I'm supposed to stop, I'm going to keep going.  Thanks for letting me write to you all.  I appreciate it deeply!)

***REQUEST:  If you haven't already answered that post (or the similar post on Not 2 Us), please don't read this one yet.  You don't have to comment on the blog and leave your answer, but please just take a couple of minutes to answer the questions for yourself before you read this post.  I promise there is a point!***

Okay, with that out of the way, I didn't want to keep all of you who have already commented out on a limb.  Or even those of you who have read the post, thought about it but didn't comment, and are ready to find out *why* I care what you think about yourself.  :)

Here is the deal (and promise you won't laugh):  I think I'm going to start writing a book.  The book might actually end up taking shape as a Bible study, but I'm not sure yet, because I want anyone and everyone to be able to read the book without feeling like I'm trying to pressure them into a certain line of belief.  I think there are some important things that people need to hear.  I am sure these things have been said before, but I think I might be able to say them with a unique voice.  It's not that I think I'm special, but I think maybe I connect with an audience out there who is being overlooked.  I think some of you may be a part of that audience, and there are a few things I want you to know.  :)

(As a disclaimer, when you read the word "you" in the following statements, you can be sure that I am talking just as much to myself as I am to you!  These are lessons that I have already learned or am currently learning.  These lessons/realizations have changed my life in such a way that I really don't want to keep them to myself. That's the only reason I'm directing them at you.)

Number One?  You aren't who you think you are. 

Some of you are saying, "Well, duh!  I'm not who I think I am, because I don't even know who I think I am!!"  You're a little bit (or a lotta bit) relieved that someone is getting ready to tell who you are, because, quite frankly, you've been wondering for quite some time.

Others of you are saying, "Excuse me?  Who exactly do *you* think *you* are?  You don't know me.  You don't even know I read this blog.  How in the world do you think you can tell me something about myself?"  You're a little (or a lot) unsettled that you shared some of your deepest thoughts with me, and now I'm trying to tell you that you're wrong.

Still others of you aren't really thinking anything, but you're kind of intrigued by the drama of the two previous types of people.  You're curious enough that you're going to keep reading, because you wanna see if maybe, just maybe, I say something that clicks with you.  :)

For all of you, I have to tell you that there's some bad news I need to share.  I also want to encourage you that there is some really great news I want to share, as well!  I'm a bad-news-first type of girl, so here it goes:

The Bad News:  At your worst, you're even worse than you think...or admit.

The Good News:  You aren't alone.  And your worst is not the end of your legacy.

The Best News:  At your best, you are even better than you think or admit or even know.  At your best, you are worth so much that it is almost impossible to describe, but I'm gonna give it a shot.  :)

So...this is the part where I am going to be a little mean.  I am at the very, very, very beginning stages of trying to think through *exactly* what I want to say.  I don't want to try to tell you much more, because I want to make sure I get it right.  So...if you will hold on to the bad, the good, and the best for now, I promise I will give you more as it comes to me.  I'm not going to wait to write the whole book and make you buy it or anything like that.  Actually, I may never get around to writing the book at all.  This is for all of you.  I'll be giving it to you as quickly as I can, without overwhelming you too much.

If you'd like to know where I go with this, keep checking in.  (I'll also always link over on Not 2 Us for those of you who read N2U, but not LIA.)

If you'd like to know where I go with this, but you're not really all that hip on checking in to a blog that you're not really interested in, then just use the contact form above to e-mail me.  Just say something simple like, "I'd like to receive the posts on the "Who Are You" subject."  I'll put you all together on an e-mail list (that will be blind and secure), and I'll e-mail the posts to you as they come.  That way, you won't have to read the blog each day.

I hope this helps just one of you.  That's all.  I have no dreams of changing the world, but I know there is someone out there who knows that there has just got to be something more.  You're not really sure where to start looking (or you've looked in so many places and you're frustrated with your lack of progress), so you've just sort of given up.  I'm here to tell you that there is definitely more, and, in a lot of ways, it starts with you.  All of this "Who Are You" stuff is for you.  I hope, in the end, you realize just how amazing you are.