Ephesians 3:20,21 "Now to him who is able to immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen."  (NIV)

Ephesians 3:20,21 "God can do anything, you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!  He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit gently and deeply within us.

Glory to God in the church!
Glory to God in Christ Jesus!
Glory down through all the generations!
Glory through all millenia!  Oh, yes!"  (The Message)

I was first introduced to this verse during a college retreat that I attended the spring semester before I enrolled at Purdue University.  I was dating a young man who did not have a personal relationship with Jesus.  I loved this young man very much, and I very much wanted him to know the safety, security, love, and purpose found in Jesus.  I had been praying for him the entire weekend.  Then, at the end of the weekend, as I was on my knees, with tears streaming down my face, I heard this verse read aloud as I prayed for my friend. 

It was more than I could have dreamed...that God would bring this man into relationship with himself.  It was more than I could have imagined...that God would allow me to be part of that process.  The verse, however, took hold in my heart, and I began to stand on the promise.  The promise that I served a God who could do more than I could ever ask or imagine.

Over the past nine years, this verse has been a cornerstone upon which I have built my life.

Through depression, through trying times in my dating relationship with Mike, through troubled pregnancies and the loss of a baby, I have been able to cling to this verse...claiming that God was more than big enough to handle my situation.

For the past several months, however, I have been struggling with something.  I have a big vision for my family.  I believe and know, with all of my heart, that I am meant to be the mother to more than two children.  My heart is not finished.  My home is not full.

I will never have another child biologically, though.  Since I was a very young girl, I have had a desire to adopt children.  Since I completed my social work courses in college, I have had a desire to become a foster parent. 

But adopting children?  That takes money.

And being a foster parent?  That takes space (in the home.)

Over the past few months, I have become increasingly discouraged.  I have looked at our bank account (and our ever-present medical bills for our medically-challenged children) and wondered how we will ever have enough money to bring new children into this family.  I have looked at my house (and the future houses in our price range) and wondered how the State of Indiana would ever grant us the permission to host additional children in our home. 

And the vision started to die.  Little by little, I have surrendered bits of my dream.  I found myself pushing aside my original visions of Christmases with six children and replaced them with visions of our little family of four opening presents and traveling to the grandparents.  These new visions have weighed heavily...very heavily...on my heart.

They are foreign to me.  They do not "fit."  I feel like a stranger in my own daydreams.

I know that God created me to be the mother to many.  I simply couldn't see how he was going to accomplish that task.

Then, Mike and I found a 5 bedroom, 2.5 bath house on a cul-de-sac that was listed for $95,000.  It needs some major work, and it's most likely not going to work out.  However, for reasons I honestly cannot explain, I can see God. 

Even if this house offer does not come through, I feel as though I can hear God saying, "NOTHING is too big for me, Lindsay.  Nothing.  I have called you to be a mother to many.  Leave the details to me.  I can give you the Pythian Home, if I want.  You can fill all 25 bedrooms with children, and you can love them to pieces.  The details are my responsibility...and I can do more than you could ever imagine.  Don't forget that, sweet one.  Stop getting distracted by the world.  Stop looking at the circumstances around you.  Keep looking at me.  Right here...in my eyes.  Look at me.  I love you.  I have called you.  I will equip you.  Just stay focused on me...keep running after me.  Stay close to me, and let me unveil the plans in my time.  I have a plan.  Simply rely on me."

And I have felt such a relief and SUCH encouragement by remembering that simple fact.  Remembering that it's totally okay if my dreams and visions are God-Sized...because I happen to know this God dude...and he's bigger than anything he will ever call me to.

So thankful for that.  So thankful.

I'm yours, dude.  Use me.  I promise to stop trying to figure it out on my own.  One step after another...follwing you.

Sometimes it hits like a bullet.  So sudden.  So sharp.  So intense.

I can be perfectly happy and content, sitting on the couch next to my incredible husband.  Watching a re-run of some random show and surfing the net, I never suspect that I'm about to be shot.

And then it happens.  Something awakens the pain.

The random show switches to a birth scene.  The daddy excitedly moves up and down, alternately encouraging the mommy and watching for the new arrival.  As the mommy screams and bears down, I find it hard to breathe.  As the daddy's excitement mounts, my dread grows.

Pow!  The baby is born.  The daddy tries to hide the tears that trickle down his cheeks.  The mommy sighs with exhaustion and peers down to see her new baby.  And my heart aches.  The crack where it has been broken before breaks open again.  Pain floods into my soul and leaks out of my eyes in the form of tears.

I can't hold it back.  It's a hard sort of cry.  The kind that causes my body to shake and my breaths to come in heaping gulps.

I will never be pregnant again.  I will never experience birth again.  I will never share that experience with my husband again.  And it hurts.

It hurts so much.

And when it stops hurting, it aches. 

During the ache, I pray.  I ask for peace.  I ask for reassurance.  I ask for comfort.  And I beg God to make the pain go away.

He gives the peace.  He gives the reassurance.  He gives the comfort.

The pain hasn't gone away, but as long as I don't have to handle it alone, I'll be okay.

Thank you, God, for never leaving me alone in my pain.

I thought I wanted to be a singer.  Then, I realized I just want to sing for Him...so others can draw near.

I thought I wanted to be a writer.  Then, I realized I just want to write about Him...so others can read.

I thought I wanted to be a speaker.  Then, I realized I just want to speak about Him...so others can hear.

I thought I wanted to be a good wife.  Then, I realized I just want to be a Himly wife...so my husband knows how much He loves him.

I thought I wanted to be a good mommy.  Then, I realized I just want to be a Himly mom...so my children will know how much He loves them.

I thought it was about all that I could do for Him...

All that I could be for Him...

All that I could give to Him...

Now, I realize that it's just about Him. 

Every moment, every breath, every decision, every word, every note, every word, every action, every hug, kiss, tear, scream, laugh, frown, and smile...

It's all about Him. 

And honestly?  That leaves me just the tiniest bit lost.  :)  Trying to keep "me" out of all of my decisions, thoughts, and actions is something to which I'm not accustomed.  Just sitting and waiting on Him, listening to Him, watching for Him...  It's a bit unnerving.

So, if the blogs seem quiet, just try to sit and listen with me.  And, if the blogs stay quiet, why don't you share what you're hearing with me?

I'd love that.  Where are you seeing Him?  What are you hearing from Him? 

Today, my house was FULL! 

When I woke up at 7:00 a.m., my sink was full of dirty dishes and my living room was full of unorganized toys.  My mind was full of things-to-do, and my heart was full of hope.

When my first guests arrived at 9:30, my cabinets were full of clean dishes, and the toy bins were full of organized toys.  My living room was full of smiling people, and my heart was full of joy.

When my second guests arrived at 10:30, my living room was full of disorganized toys and smiling children.  My couch and chairs were filled by beautiful women with gorgeous hearts.  My head was full of happy thoughts, and my heart was full of joy.

At noon, my dining room table was full of hungry tummies.  Their plates were full of yummy food.  The air was filled with great conversation and precious toddler laughs.  My heart was full of joy.

At 2:00 p.m., the toy bins were, once again, full of organized toys.  The air was filled with tired whines.  My arms were full of sleepy children.  We bid our guests a fond farewell, and my heart was full of joy.

When my kids went to sleep at 3:00, their cribs were full of sleeping bodies, special blankies, and deeply loved stuffed animals.  My sink was, once again, full of dirty dishes.  My inbox was full of unanswered e-mails.  My to-do list was full of unchecked items.  My heart was still full of joy.

When my kids woke up at 5:00, the drying rack was full of clean dishes.  My to-do list was full of glorious check marks.  My mixing bowl was full of refried beans, and my mind was full of excitement.  My heart was full of joy.

When my final guests arrived at 6:15, the air was, once again, filled with great conversation and precious laughter.  The dining room table was full of great friends enjoying each other.  Our plates were filled with amazing enchiladas and delicious refried beans.  The living room floor was filled with a blanket and two little girls who LOVED their "picnic."  My heart was full of joy.

When we played Euchre at 7:30, their scorecard was full of points.  My hand was full of rubbish cards.  The air was still filled with great conversation and laughter...the pauses were filled with tired whines and exhausted fits.  We bid our final guests a fond farewell, and my heart was full of joy.

Now, at 9:34 p.m., this post is full of words.  My head is filled with tiredness.  The air is filled with silence.  My bed is full of comfort.  Very soon, my husband's arms will be filled with a loving wife.  Our home will be pregnant with love and joy.

And my heart?  My heart is overflowing with gratitude.  I love a full house, and I'm so thankful God has blessed me with friends and family who fill this home.  My heart is full, abundantly full, of joy and thanks!

If you compile all the e-mails, cards, and phone calls that I received from my Elston family during my time on bedrest, you would find one very common theme:

"I miss you. I'm praying for you and the baby.  I can't wait until you come back to EFC...I miss hearing you on the worship team!"

I started to resent that e-mail...a lot.  As God was birthing a growing desire to minister to women, I felt like I was being stuffed further and further into a box...forced into a role that I didn't necessarily desire.  It wasn't a role that I disliked.  There are very few things that I enjoy more than worshipping God through music.  However, I simply wanted to do more.  I *knew* God was calling me to do more.

Then, I took matters into my own hands.  I figured that, if God was calling me to do more and people wouldn't let me do anything other than sing on a stage, then I would just relinquish my position on that stage.  It made sense...I was going to have a 20 month old and a newborn when I went back to EFC.   I would be three and a half months out of the loop.  Perhaps God had actually brought bedrest into my life in order to break me away from the stage.

So...it's been nearly 15 months since I've been a permanent part of the worship team at Elston Family Church.

Every single week, someone asks me when I'll be coming back to the worship team.

Every single week, it becomes more of a struggle not to run up to the front and lead my brothers and sisters a little deeper into the throneroom of God.

Every single week, I become more and more confident in the fact that I don't worship for my own benefit (which I used to doubt.)  I realize more and more that it really is ALL for Him.

I'm even starting to think that I'm supposed to start working on a CD.  (Don't laugh at me.  If nothing else, it's about facing my own insecurities and stepping out in faith.)

So...for 15 months, I've been hoarding my heart of worship and keeping it to myself.  I've been prideful in thinking that I know exactly how God wants to use me and doubting my Pastor when he has told me that I belong in the worship ministry.

To my Elston Family, I'm sorry.  I've been prideful and selfish in this area, and I am truly sorry for that.