My goodness, it's been a long time since I've been over here.  Almost a month...that's a shame.  I've been a busy lady, but I miss this place.  This morning, I wrote about thinking that I was pregnant over on Not2Us.  I wrote about a little bit of my feelings, but not all of them.

I miss being pregnant.  I know I was just pregnant three months ago, but that's not the pregnancy I miss.  I miss my pregnancy from June 20, 2006 - January 23, 2007.  For those seven months, I absolutely loved being pregnant.  At first I was a little nervous and scared of a miscarriage, but not much.  I mostly just trusted that God knew what He was doing.  After the twelfth week, I was home free.  My pudgy stomach was starting to round out and no longer nauseated at every turn.  The reality was sinking in, and I was super excited.  Once my stomach got obviously round and pregnant, I really loved being pregnant.  Anja and I would talk about the baby, people at the library, playground, or mall would comment and ask questions.  I could feel my sweet baby moving around inside me, and I was full of the hopes and dreams of being a mommy...a real live mommy!

And then our lives changed.  On January 24, 2007, we found out that my body really just doesn't know how to do pregnancy right.  My water broke, and it was downhill from there.  Ruby had a rough start, and we questioned whether we really wanted to do it all again.  The doctors had told me that we had a 25% chance that the pPROM would happen again.  (Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes)

When we found out we were pregnant with Burke, we had our first appointment, and our doctor changed the odds of recurrent pPROM from 25% to 50%.  In my heart, I felt like it was a question of WHEN my water would break...not IF.  On June 18, 2008, we had our answer.  The WHEN was at 17 weeks 5 days gestation.  The doctors said that baby would die, and I went on strict bedrest to await the worst.

But the best happened...my baby boy lived!  He beat all kinds of odds, and he's sitting at my feet in his bouncy chair, as healthy as can be.

Now, my doctors tell me that the chance of recurrent pPROM, for me, is at least 95%.  It would almost definitely be a question of WHEN and the WHEN would probably be even earlier than it happened with Burke.  Our odds would be even worse, as if that's possible.

So, knowing that my body is rather retarded when it comes to carrying a baby, we've decided to be thankful for the blessings we've already been given and not test the odds.

And I'm struggling a little bit...which is so odd.  Why?  Because, for quite some time (close to four years), I've said that my dream family would consist of two biological children, two adopted children, and two open spots in our home for foster children...a nice round half-dozen of children to love, nurture, and raise.  So far, we're on track!

So why do I feel so sad about being done having children?  I'm sure it's a mix of things.

1.  I like to have control and make decisions.  Essentially, this decision has been taken out of my hands.  This decision is the only logical, responsible decision.
2.  I think every woman probably feels a bit of sadness when her childbearing years are finished no matter the circumstances surrounding the end.
3.  I'm worried that the rest of "the plan" won't work out.

You see...adoption is expensive...really expensive.  And, even if we are able to save up the money, we have friends who can't have children, and they are going to adopt.  They deserve that money and those children so much more than we do.  We already have children.  Why would I be so selfish as to spend the money that God has blessed me with to add to my family when they simply need the money just to get started?  I want to be able to pay for their adoptions (or at least as much as they need) and ours, but I'm just not sure that we'll be able to do both things, and their adoptions are my priority.

On the other side of financial concerns:  I want to be able to help my children when they are starting their independent adult journeys.  But that gets expensive.  If I plan to stay home for the majority of my children's young years, then Mike and I won't be raking in the dough.  We'll need to save for our own future, as well as theirs.  Each time we add a future to that pot, more will be taken away from the other futures.  I just want to make sure that I can help my children as much as possible, and I don't want to be irresponsible.

Not only that, but if we really want to adopt/foster children, we need a much bigger house.  In this area, I think foster children must have their own rooms.  I wasn't even planning on the kids getting their own rooms, even if they were all biological.  I want to have a big family...it's just not plausible for six children to each have their own room...  Obviously, this is putting the cart before the horse, but that's something I'm really good at.  :)

Completely aside from the financial portion of the decision, I want to make sure to do what God wants me to do.  *I* have always wanted a big family, but what if He wants me to have a smaller family so that I have more time to do other things for Him?  I want to keep that in mind. 

I guess I just mostly want to have my cake and eat it, too.  :)  I'm just experiencing some sadness knowing that a certain chapter of my life is closing.  Not sad because I think it's the wrong decision, just sad because it all happened too quickly for my liking.  :)

It felt good to get this out.  Now I'm excited to start focusing on the future!!

First up?  We're going to need a bigger house in a couple years...  There's an empty lot for sale in a historic neighborhood here in town.  The original house burnt down.  I have always thought it would be a blast to build a new historic replica in an historic neighborhood, but how often does one find an empty lot in a historic neighborhood??  Anyway, I'm in the midst of some research to see if it's even a possibility for us on our budget.  I don't think it is, but I'm a little persistent when it comes to these things.  :)

I hope you're all doing well!!  Head over to the Skribbit and give me some ideas of things to write about!!