This morning I woke up at 4:00 and headed to the NICU to feed Burke.  I have to walk through the labor and delivery unit to get from my parent room to the NICU.  As I passed through the halls, I thought about the memories I have from Ruby's and Burke's birth experiences.  Interestingly enough, I was put in the same room for both of their "labors".  With Burke, it was not exactly a labor as much as it was a surgery preparation room.

I quickly moved past my groggy thoughts, and I got to the NICU.  As I held Burke and looked at his precious little body, I became overwhelmingly grateful for my children.  It's not actually as rare an occurence as I make it sound.  However, it hit me pretty hard this morning.

After I finished feeding, I had to walk back through the labor and delivery unit.  One of the doors to the labor rooms was slightly ajar, and I could hear the fetal monitor alive with one of the sweetest sounds I know: the heartbeat of a baby waiting to be born.

All of a sudden, another sound, rather the memory of a sound, rushed into my mind.  The sound of odd and uncoordinated thumps beating at a far too slow tempo became as real to me as they were eighteen days ago.  That foreign and terrifying sound was the heartbeat of a baby waiting to die.

Later in the afternoon, I received an e-mail from a blog reader, and I wanted to link her to some of my former posts.  As I went back and read through some of Burke's journey in my own words, I was overcome with emotion. 

Was it really just four months ago that I wrote a quick post to let everyone know that I had bought Mike a Wii for his birthday, but that details would have to wait, because my water had broken?

Was it really just four months ago that I wrote another post to assure everyone that I was full of hope, no matter the outcome of our journey?

Was it really just four months ago that I wrote two (not-so-) quick posts about having faith even in the hard times?

Has this all really happened to me?  Is my son *really* here, healthy and close to going home?  How did I have that faith?  As I read those posts, I sat here with tears streaming down my face.  The pure terror of losing my child was so real, and now that I've been given the absolute desire of my heart, I can't imagine a different outcome.  Now, as I sit holding a miracle, I don't know how I could have faced any other result.

I don't deserve this.  I don't deserve it all.  In fact, I have a really good friend who was in a similar situation, and she didn't get the outcome we all hoped for.  Still, her faith is strong, and she's constantly trying to hand more trust over to God.  Incredible.  I'm amazed.  Another really good friend of mine is facing an unimaginable trial regarding children and family and the future.  I honestly watch her and wonder if God really did choose to put an angel on Earth to teach me a lesson or twelve.  I can't believe her faith and the way she is handling it all.  Awe-Inspiring.  I have yet another friend who recently heard that sweetest sound that I mentioned, only to lose her baby just days later.  And she's still praising God.  Beautiful Offering.

So, today I'm just thankful and grateful that my faith wasn't tested any further.  And I'm reminded that I can always be asking for more faith and reaching for new levels of trust.  And I'm choosing to shout from the mountain tops that I serve a God who is in total control and has good plans for the people who love Him.  I know that He has something amazing in store for my three friends, and I know that He has something amazing in store for you, too, if you'll only receive it.