Needless to say, I can't get today's message off my mind.  I've been thinking about it almost every single minute that I've been awake.  (I did a take a three hour nap this afternoon, so I wasn't thinking about it then.)  :)

Here's the thing:  I can honestly say that I have a ton of faith in God.  I don't say that with any measure of pride, because there is *nothing* I have done to earn this faith.  It has just been given to me.  The most I have ever done to gain faith is to ask for more of it.  Almost everytime I have started to have serious doubts or worries in my life, I have immediately asked God to give me more faith.  And He has.

So the part about needing to have faith?  That didn't get me so much.  I've got faith.

The part about having doubts?  That got me a little bit, because I do doubt myself a lot.  I almost never doubt God, but I do doubt myself.

However...the part about speaking our faith and sharing our faith?  The part about blind men and paralyzed men being healed because their friends had enough faith for them?  The times when P. Randy was encouraging people who had a lot of faith to speak out?  The times when he was telling people who have a lot of faith to not be silent?

Yeah...that got me a lot.  A whole lot.

When we were singing the song, "Whisper His Name", my heart and soul did not yearn to sing the name of Jesus.  My heart was breaking in half to shout out the phrases:  Whisper His Name!  Call Out His Name!  Shout Out His Name! 

Not in a single bone of my body did I feel like I needed to be calling out to Jesus on my behalf this morning.  Not that I don't need Jesus in my life...that's not what I mean.  It's more that I've just been granted a million and twenty miracles.  Right now, I can honestly say that I have cried out to Jesus, and He has answered.  He is fulfilling and sustaining me at every turn right now.  I am living, walking, and breathing faith right now.  I have nothing but Him.  I have no problem calling out His Name.

But calling other people to that faith?  I'm not doing much of that right now.  I know I'm supposed to be doing that.  Every fiber of my being yearns to be encouraging people towards higher levels of faith.  That's all I want to do.  I wanted to run up to the stage, grab a microphone, and sing with every ounce of volume in my body: "Whisper His Name!  Call out His Name!  Shout out His Name!  Just do it!  PLEASE!!  Just call on Him!  Test Him!!  See if He won't come running to you!  I dare you!  Look at me!  My womb should be empty.  My son should be dead.  That's what all of the voices said would happen.  But I'm pregnant!  My son is alive!  He is growing, thriving, and swimming around in more than average amounts of amniotic fluid!  And all I did was to call on the name of Jesus!"

But I didn't do it.  I barely even sang the words as I stood in my place.  I didn't even raise my hands to affirm that I believed what I was saying.  I just stood there...paralyzed.

I'm not paralyzed by lack of faith or doubts.  I'm paralyzed because I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing right now.  I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I'm supposed to be doing something.  I know that God is wanting to do something through me.  I know I'm supposed to be making a deposit into the lives around me.

I just don't know how.  I don't know what.  And I don't know who.

So where do I go with this?  Back to Him.  I just keep going back and saying, "I'm hearing You.  I promise I'm trying to listen.  I know You're asking me, telling me, to do something.  I'm just not getting the rest of it, God.  I need you to show me, or my spiritual leaders, the how, the what, and the who.  Or I need you to confirm that I'm just supposed to wait.  I need you to give me peace while I wait.  If I'm not supposed to wait, then don't let me get comfortable.  I don't mind being agitated, but keep using that agitation to lead me to where I'm supposed to be.  Please give me wisdom and guidance.  Please give my advisors wisdom and guidance.  Show me where.  Show me what.  Show me how.  Show me who.  Here I am.  Use me.  Please, use me.  Amen."