I once had a dream that I thought was a vision.
Then Doubt and Fear and Distraction crept in.

I heard what He said, it was so true and clear.
But I also know myself, how pride is so near.

"It's so big," I said. "Are you sure you mean me?"
"Oh, yes," was the Answer.  "I'm sure as can be."

"But I talk, and I talk, and, you know, talk some more.
Have you forgotten my words that have cut to the core?"

"I haven't forgotten.  I've been here all along.
Stop looking at you.  Your focus is all wrong.
I've asked you to speak.  I've asked you to share.
Keep focusing on Me, and they'll know you care."

With my face on the floor, with the tears flowing down,
I finally said, "Yes."  I laid down my crown.

Now my heart races, and my hands tremble with fear.
The Doubt and the Worry are so very near.
I know my own weakness.  I know the pitfalls.
But I can not say, "No."  Not when He calls.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many of you have asked about my time at SheSpeaks.  I have told you that it was a very personal time, and that's not a lie.  God spoke to me in such a clear manner that I still feel like hiding my face against the floor, just thinking about it. 

Over a year ago, God began to show me the call He had placed on my life.  Oddly enough, when I was sentenced to bed, I was passionate and fired up about the calling.  I couldn't wait to get started. 

In the past few months, however, I have seriously doubted that calling.  When I faced opposition in a new position, I used it as proof that God couldn't possibly have called me to do what I thought I was supposed to do.  When I got so busy and felt like I was not doing well as a housewife, I used it as proof that God couldn't possibly have anything for me until I got my house in order. 

Just a day before I was supposed to board an airplane for North Carolina, I posted a message that was truly posted out of care and concern.  My words hurt someone who means a lot to me.  I used it as proof that I was a fool for thinking that God could ever want to use my words, my mouth, my speech.

All of that "proof" has been lie after lie after lie.  More than six months ago, I wrote these words:

"Burke Michael came into this world a little different than the rest
of us...with a broken heart and immature lungs...needing a medical
miracle.  But it's not his arrival or even his short life that has made
the biggest impact on me.  It was his gestation.  Weeks on my back that
turned into months.  Time spent contemplating my life and it's worth,
it's meaning.  And all that time spent on my back?  Oh...it was so
necessary.  God needed to get some time alone with me, and time He got.
 And input I got.

I know that I shared glimpses and snippets of what was happening in
my heart, but I'm not sure that I accurately conveyed the sheer depth
of revelation that happened during those weeks.

I very literally learned what I'm supposed to do with my life. 

I am made and shaped (with every fiber of my being) to reach out and
minister to women...of all ages, shapes, types, backgrounds, and
situations.  (Minister is just a fancy word for loving the heck out of
you and helping you through this thing we call life.)  God has
deposited things into my life, mind, heart, and soul to share with
other women.  I cannot be silent."

And then, I got real cocky with Satan.  I said:

"Because of the unrest that has been present during this transition,
Satan has been creeping in and planting seeds of untruth in my heart.

'Sure, you have a ton of support...just not from the people that you need it from.'

'If you step up and truly lead, you are going to alienate people.  Just let it ride...'

'Everyone is comfortable with the status quo...think twice before you shake things up.'

Well, I've got news for you, Satan:

You suck.  You are so very wrong.  You are crafty, but I'm a quick
learner.  I see what you're doing, and your time is finished.  Done.
 Over.  Shall be no more.

Because now?  Now it's God's turn."

He took the challenge, and he worked overtime in the past eight months to keep me silent.  He worked hard, and it paid off.  I completely stopped listening to the call God placed on my life.  I talked myself out of what God had commanded.

I became afraid of myself, knowing my weaknesses.  I became unsure of myself, knowing my insufficiency.  I became distracted, focusing on the cleanliness of my house and how well I managed my time.

I even almost let Satan talk me out of attending SheSpeaks.

But I went.  And God spoke.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has called me to speak.

My heart is racing, and my fingers shake.  My chest feels tight, and the tears are welling up in my eyes.

It scares me to death to write those words or say them outloud.  I know that I could easily become proud.  I know that this calling comes with more responsibility than I can handle.  I know that I could say just one wrong word that could lead someone away from God forever.  I know that my words are powerful, whether they are encouraging or discouraging.  And that scares me...

Still, I know that I am supposed to be speaking.  I believe I am supposed to start making myself available to speak to groups and to speak at events.  I don't even really know how that works.  I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to just send random letters to area churches saying, "God has called me to speak to your women."  LOL!

However, I know that I'm supposed to do more than ignore the call.  So, as much as it scares me...  As much as I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack as soon as I hit the "Submit Post" button...   As nauseated as this makes me...

I'm telling you, because I need someone to hold me accountable.  I don't need anyone to discourage me.  I'm doing a fine job of that myself.  However, if you specifically feel that God might be asking you to come along beside me and help me navigate this path, please do so!  More than anything, I know I can't do this alone.  I'm overwhelmed, and I just want to run away from this.

So, if nothing else, I'm saying this to hold me accountable.  Please pray for me.

Thank you.