Remember just a couple of weeks ago, when I told you I was sure that God has called me to speak?  Well, he's been refining that call and showing me all that comes with such a calling.  Over and over again, Ephesians 4, then entire chapter, has been brought to mind.

I've been focusing on the first part of the chapter, v. 1-15, for the past two weeks, and it has really started to take root in my heart.  It's a set of instructions, a set of warnings/reminders, and a promise...all together!  It's so relevant to me right now, and I want to not only read this and hear it, but I want to DO it.  I want it to become a hallmark in my life.

Verses 1-4 give us four instructions:
1. Live a life worthy of the calling you have received.
2. Be completely humble and gentle.
3. Be patient, bearing with each other in a loving way.
4. Do everything you can to be unified with each other.

Verses 7-13 give us a few reminders and warnings:
1. God is the one who has given us our talents and abilities.
2. God has made each of us different.
3. The whole reason we've been given abilities is to prepare God's people for service and to "build up" the body of Christ.
4. That job (the preparing and the building up) is not finished until we are all unified and mature...living just like Jesus Christ.

Verses 14 and 15 give us an awesome promise:
If we do these things: if we follow these instructions (while remembering these warnings), we will, in fact, reach our goal.  We will become mature and unified.  We will help each other grow more and get closer to living like Christ.

Verses 17 - 32 give us further descriptions of maturity...things that help build unity.  The instruction that has been standing out to me more strongly for nearly a week now is v. 29, "Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

For as long as I can remember, I have worried that I talk too much.  It was one of my very first "unsatisfactory" marks in grade school.  "Classroom Behavior - U (talks too much)"  It has haunted me ever since.  Even friends have unwittingly fed into the lie.

So...I've been trying (rather unsuccessfully) to talk less. 

Very recently, at the SheSpeaks conference, I realized that I'm not talking too much.  I'm simply talking about all the wrong things.  I'll make "That's What She Said" jokes with my friends, but I won't hold them accountable when I see them making irresponsible decisions.  I'll hold in all my frustrations with a friend, then blow-up with I finally can't hold it in any longer. 

I could give several other examples, but it really boils down to a couple of things:

1.  I doubt my calling.  I find it very hard to believe that God has called me, a prize-winning blow-hard, to speak His words of encouragement and instruction.  It's evident in my hesitation to bring correction to people that I love.  It's also evident in the way that I take no responsibility for the consequences of bad decisions in others' lives...even when it's possible that I could have helped them avoid the consequences simply by speaking the truth that God had given me.

2. I am extremely impatient with people.  I have grown a lot in patience in my personal life: saving for a vacation, waiting on God's timing for a new house, etc...  However, when I see areas where friends and loved ones (and even myself) need to grow, I want to see the growth happen immediately.   My lack of patience is evident in the frustration that I feel toward myself and many of my friends and family.  It's evident in the harsh way I speak with others and the crazy expectations I hold for myself.  It's evident in my laziness...I know that true life-transformation is going to take a lot of energy and time, so, many times, I choose to ignore the fact that I need to change and that my friends need my help.

So...

I'm determined to begin living a worthy life.  I am going to try, with everything I've got (and relying a lot on God), to be completely humble and gentle, to be patient with others, to always deal lovingly with them.  I am going to constantly remind myself that my calling and my abilities have been given to me by God and that it is a sin...a huge sin...to keep them to myself and only use them for my benefit.  I am going to remind myself that my gifts and abilities are meant to build up the body of Christ and prepare them for service.

If you read something that is not encouraging or uplifting on this blog (or on Not2Us), point it out.  If you know me in real life and you hear me speaking in a harsh or hurtful tone, if you hear me gossiping, or if you feel like I'm holding back or being selfish, point it out.

And pray for me.  I'm overwhelmed by the amount of change that needs to happen in this area of my life.  Thank you!

Believe it or not, this is not all that God has brought to my attention over the past couple of weeks.  I've got more confessions to make, so check back tomorrow!  (Maybe once I clear out the junk from my soul, I'll be back to posting more fun things to read.  Got a suggestion?  Put it on the Skribbit!)