Hi! I'm Lindsay. I'm not sure about you, but I generally like to see the person who is talking to me or writing to me. So, this is a picture of me. I hold a lot of positions in life (like wife, mother, daughter, friend), but at the core of it all, I'm just me. Thanks for stopping by! I hope you stay. Enjoy!
I will not lie. I am not enjoying this season of my life. At least, not in the traditional way we think of enjoyment. It's nothing like eating a big bowl of Baskin Robbins mint chocolate chip ice cream or holding a sleeping newborn baby or kissing your sweetheart over and over and over again. Those are all things that I absolutely enjoy any day, any time.
But this season of life? It is stretching me like crazy. I dare say even more than when I was on bedrest for 3.5 months.
I'm not even kind of exaggerating.
Seeking reconciliation and making no progress.
Losing friends.
Trying to find a new church family.
Trying to find new friends.
Hitting a road-block in the foster licensing process.
Still feeling God rip my mind and heart open to His love for the *entire* world.
Letting Him show me where I'm wrong, where I'm right, and where I'm still ignorant.
Honestly? There are times where I just don't want to even try to worship. I never felt like that during bedrest. Never. Even in the darkest times, my sincerest desire was to cry out to God.
But right now? I feel like I could just walk away from Church and organized religion forever.
Seriously, how bad is that?? The local church IS GOD'S PLAN for us. We have screwed up that plan, for sure. We get caught up on the minors and we completely screw up the majors. But, for better or worse, God has called us to live together in community as a family. To love Him and to love each other. That's it and that's all.
So, for me to feel God drawing my heart closer to His and to also feel my emotions tearing my heart farther away from Him.
Ugh. I do *not* like this phase. I'm so tired of pushing myself to do what I know God wants me to do instead of doing what I want to do. I'm so irritated with my circumstance and my role in my circumstance. I'm so lazy. I'm discouraged that my children have to witness this whole stupid situation.
I just want to quit. But I know that I can't.
And that sucks.
So i(still)Worship.
I've mentioned that some of my anxiety surrounding moving to a new church has centered around worship, right? Right.
Well, to put it in perspective, let me tell you about our first visit to our new Sunday School class:
Several people introduced themselves and were very nice to us. But, for a few minutes before the lesson started, we had a little bit of time just to ourselves. As I was sitting in the chair, I thought, "This is really it. This could be our new church home." I looked at Mike and I said, "I really hope God allows me to lead worship again at some point." And I started bawling...
And that sentiment has stayed pretty consistent over the past six weeks. I have been hoping and praying that God will allow me to lead worship again.
Over the past few days, God has started to reveal to me the exact level of absurdity connected with that hope/prayer/desire.
It's absurd for a couple of reasons:
1. I am gifted to lead worship. It is a passion and a desire that has been planted in my heart, straight from God. It is a raw talent and a natural ability that was given to me by God, not acquired through any special means of my own. It is a calling placed on my life by the only One who is worthy of my worship.
And the Bible says this, "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded. And from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." (Luke 12:48) The Bible also says that God gives us spiritual gifts for the common good. (1 Corinthians 12:7) It tells us to spur one another on to good deeds. (Hebrews 10:24) It instructs us to encourage one another daily. (1 Thessalonians 5:11, Hebrews 3:13, and Hebrews 10:25)
It is clear that God's desire is not for me to solely use my gift privately and personally enjoy all the benefits of that gift. It is meant to be used to build up the body of Christ, to spur people on to good works, to encourage them and strengthen their faith. God's not gonna change his mind on that. He's not going to all of a sudden decide that I should be selfish with the gifts He has given me.
2. Therefore, it is clear that God is asking me (and will continue to ask me) to lead His people in worship. The only way that will not happen is if I allow it not to happen. If I find out that my gifts in this area are not needed in our new church family, then shame on me if I don't find another way to share these gifts and use them to build up the global body of Christ. In fact, I'm realizing that, perhaps, God may have been a little disappointed all along while I was only using my gifts to lead others inside the church walls.
He has given me gifts, and he expects me to use them whenever and wherever I can use them in order to seek His kingdom and make Him known.
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This is vital for us to grasp, as church-attending Christians. God has given us gifts. He has given us talents, abilities, and life experiences. And he expects us to be using those things to encourage, correct, teach, support, and love the people around us. If you have a talent or ability or experience or skill that you have been keeping to yourself...
STOP! Stop hoarding it!
Spread the love!
If there is no where to use your gift in your church, then find somewhere else to use it. Even if there is a place in your church, please don't stop there. Get outside the box!
If you can't think of a way to use your skills, e-mail me. I'm *sure* I can come up with something.
If you don't think you have any skills, e-mail me. I've got resources for you. And, if I know you in person, then I can probably already tell you some of your skills, strengths, talents, and gifts. :)
Use whatever God has given you whenever you can. Use whatever God has given you wherever you can.
Do not waste a single moment you've been given.
Your life is an offering to God. Your life is your worship. Don't dawdle it away.
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If you are local, stay tuned. I'm going to be looking for opportunities to lead you in worship on a regular basis *outside* the walls of the church.
I love worshiping with you and entering the presence of God together as a family. I feel so energized and excited to realize that I've been thinking so narrow and backwards. We don't have to stop worshiping together. In fact, we *shouldn't* stop worshiping together. This is just the beginning of a new phase!
How exciting!! :) I hope you have a wonderful day of worship tomorrow.
For the past five and a half years I have served under a pastor who fully realized and believed in my gift of worship. As such, he granted me great freedom in the area of leading others in worship. Very few limitations were placed on me in my role of leading worship. In fact, he often encouraged me to step out in greater faith when I boxed myself in.
I never once took these privileges and gifts for granted. I learned more about freedom of worship in my five years at Elston than in the combined 22 years of attending church before that time.
And when I knew God was calling me to leave Elston? I mourned over the loss of that freedom and responsibility.
For the past six weeks, I have thought about it a lot. A LOT. My thoughts have ranged from selfish to sinful to worshipful to godly.
Selfish (which is sinful):
"I love to worship in a purely Spirit-led fashion. I don't want to do verse-chorus-verse-chorus-chorus-bridge-chorus for the rest of my life."
(Can I tell you that our preferences in music (yours and mine) have *nothing* to do with worship? Nothing at all. When I first came to EFC, I didn't like the music at all. I felt like each song went on for half an hour. I got bored with the choruses, and I found my mind wandering to my grocery list. My worship was selfish and sinful. Our worship (both on Sunday mornings and every single other day of the week) are for God's pleasure, not ours. I am so incredibly thankful and grateful that God brought my heart and mind around to realizing this truth. And I am honored (beyond explanation) that He chose to use me for a time to lead the people at Elston into His presence. But that certainly doesn't entitle me (or you) to that kind of worship for the rest of our lives. We *must* learn how to continue to worship God, even when it doesn't fit our exact asthetic.)
Sinful (specifically arrogance):
"I lead worship as well or better than everyone I know. It is *obvious* that I should be a lead worshiper in whatever church we join."
(Can I tell you that this thought has appeared often, and it makes me sick to my stomach? Can I also tell you that I have begged God to right my heart and mind and align them with HIS heart and HIS mind? Can I tell you that I have been blessed (immensely blessed) and moved (immensely moved) by the worship I have experienced (at First Southern Baptist and Faith Baptist) every single Sunday since I've left Elston? It is my most sincere desire that God will remind me to honor the people He has chosen to lead me into His presence at any church at any time.)
Worshipful:
"Leading people into the presence of God is one of the highest forms of love I can offer them. There is nothing I enjoy more than loving on God in public in order to lead others to love Him, too."
(Can I tell you that, in my desperate worry over never leading others in worship ever again, I have had some of the most intense and blessed times of personal worship that I have ever experienced?)
Godly:
Over the past six weeks, I have been on my knees (and a lot of times on my face) begging Him to create in me a clean heart. I have prayed (over and over) that He would search my heart and weigh my motives. I have not prayed these things only in regards to worship, but in regards to my entire life...which is actually my spiritual act of worship...my offering. When He has revealed sinful thoughts or actions or motives, I have repented.
I know that, despite my weaknesses and millions of imperfections, my heart's very deepest desire is to love God with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength...which is to worship Him in Spirit and Truth.
The past six weeks of prayer and meditation and worship have brought a pretty startling revelation to me. One that will challenge me and challenge my way of thinking. And the principle behind the revelation? It's hugely important for your life, too.
Stay tuned for iWorship 4.0.
"I just want to go home."
Those were the last words that went through my mind before the tears started to fall.
Sitting amid dozens of strangers and staring at a screen that said, "Introduction to Faith", it felt so final.
I am being adopted into a new faith family. And, even though I'm excited about the new family members and the new opportunities, there is an ache in my heart that runs deeper than I can explain.
I wish I could just go home...
What if He never asks me to sing another note or lead another person in musical worship?
Will I still worship? Will I still follow?
Absolutely. Without question.
So I wait on His direction.
And I sing in the quiet moments. I praise in the closet. I worship in the shower.
I unload my heart to an audience of One.
And I'm filled.