Hi! I'm Lindsay. I'm not sure about you, but I generally like to see the person who is talking to me or writing to me. So, this is a picture of me. I hold a lot of positions in life (like wife, mother, daughter, friend), but at the core of it all, I'm just me. Thanks for stopping by! I hope you stay. Enjoy!
Sometimes it hits like a bullet. So sudden. So sharp. So intense.
I can be perfectly happy and content, sitting on the couch next to my incredible husband. Watching a re-run of some random show and surfing the net, I never suspect that I'm about to be shot.
And then it happens. Something awakens the pain.
The random show switches to a birth scene. The daddy excitedly moves up and down, alternately encouraging the mommy and watching for the new arrival. As the mommy screams and bears down, I find it hard to breathe. As the daddy's excitement mounts, my dread grows.
Pow! The baby is born. The daddy tries to hide the tears that trickle down his cheeks. The mommy sighs with exhaustion and peers down to see her new baby. And my heart aches. The crack where it has been broken before breaks open again. Pain floods into my soul and leaks out of my eyes in the form of tears.
I can't hold it back. It's a hard sort of cry. The kind that causes my body to shake and my breaths to come in heaping gulps.
I will never be pregnant again. I will never experience birth again. I will never share that experience with my husband again. And it hurts.
It hurts so much.
And when it stops hurting, it aches.
During the ache, I pray. I ask for peace. I ask for reassurance. I ask for comfort. And I beg God to make the pain go away.
He gives the peace. He gives the reassurance. He gives the comfort.
The pain hasn't gone away, but as long as I don't have to handle it alone, I'll be okay.
Thank you, God, for never leaving me alone in my pain.
I thought I wanted to be a singer. Then, I realized I just want to sing for Him...so others can draw near.
I thought I wanted to be a writer. Then, I realized I just want to write about Him...so others can read.
I thought I wanted to be a speaker. Then, I realized I just want to speak about Him...so others can hear.
I thought I wanted to be a good wife. Then, I realized I just want to be a Himly wife...so my husband knows how much He loves him.
I thought I wanted to be a good mommy. Then, I realized I just want to be a Himly mom...so my children will know how much He loves them.
I thought it was about all that I could do for Him...
All that I could be for Him...
All that I could give to Him...
Now, I realize that it's just about Him.
Every moment, every breath, every decision, every word, every note, every word, every action, every hug, kiss, tear, scream, laugh, frown, and smile...
It's all about Him.
And honestly? That leaves me just the tiniest bit lost. :) Trying to keep "me" out of all of my decisions, thoughts, and actions is something to which I'm not accustomed. Just sitting and waiting on Him, listening to Him, watching for Him... It's a bit unnerving.
So, if the blogs seem quiet, just try to sit and listen with me. And, if the blogs stay quiet, why don't you share what you're hearing with me?
I'd love that. Where are you seeing Him? What are you hearing from Him?
Today, my house was FULL!
When I woke up at 7:00 a.m., my sink was full of dirty dishes and my living room was full of unorganized toys. My mind was full of things-to-do, and my heart was full of hope.
When my first guests arrived at 9:30, my cabinets were full of clean dishes, and the toy bins were full of organized toys. My living room was full of smiling people, and my heart was full of joy.
When my second guests arrived at 10:30, my living room was full of disorganized toys and smiling children. My couch and chairs were filled by beautiful women with gorgeous hearts. My head was full of happy thoughts, and my heart was full of joy.
At noon, my dining room table was full of hungry tummies. Their plates were full of yummy food. The air was filled with great conversation and precious toddler laughs. My heart was full of joy.
At 2:00 p.m., the toy bins were, once again, full of organized toys. The air was filled with tired whines. My arms were full of sleepy children. We bid our guests a fond farewell, and my heart was full of joy.
When my kids went to sleep at 3:00, their cribs were full of sleeping bodies, special blankies, and deeply loved stuffed animals. My sink was, once again, full of dirty dishes. My inbox was full of unanswered e-mails. My to-do list was full of unchecked items. My heart was still full of joy.
When my kids woke up at 5:00, the drying rack was full of clean dishes. My to-do list was full of glorious check marks. My mixing bowl was full of refried beans, and my mind was full of excitement. My heart was full of joy.
When my final guests arrived at 6:15, the air was, once again, filled with great conversation and precious laughter. The dining room table was full of great friends enjoying each other. Our plates were filled with amazing enchiladas and delicious refried beans. The living room floor was filled with a blanket and two little girls who LOVED their "picnic." My heart was full of joy.
When we played Euchre at 7:30, their scorecard was full of points. My hand was full of rubbish cards. The air was still filled with great conversation and laughter...the pauses were filled with tired whines and exhausted fits. We bid our final guests a fond farewell, and my heart was full of joy.
Now, at 9:34 p.m., this post is full of words. My head is filled with tiredness. The air is filled with silence. My bed is full of comfort. Very soon, my husband's arms will be filled with a loving wife. Our home will be pregnant with love and joy.
And my heart? My heart is overflowing with gratitude. I love a full house, and I'm so thankful God has blessed me with friends and family who fill this home. My heart is full, abundantly full, of joy and thanks!
If you compile all the e-mails, cards, and phone calls that I received from my Elston family during my time on bedrest, you would find one very common theme:
"I miss you. I'm praying for you and the baby. I can't wait until you come back to EFC...I miss hearing you on the worship team!"
I started to resent that e-mail...a lot. As God was birthing a growing desire to minister to women, I felt like I was being stuffed further and further into a box...forced into a role that I didn't necessarily desire. It wasn't a role that I disliked. There are very few things that I enjoy more than worshipping God through music. However, I simply wanted to do more. I *knew* God was calling me to do more.
Then, I took matters into my own hands. I figured that, if God was calling me to do more and people wouldn't let me do anything other than sing on a stage, then I would just relinquish my position on that stage. It made sense...I was going to have a 20 month old and a newborn when I went back to EFC. I would be three and a half months out of the loop. Perhaps God had actually brought bedrest into my life in order to break me away from the stage.
So...it's been nearly 15 months since I've been a permanent part of the worship team at Elston Family Church.
Every single week, someone asks me when I'll be coming back to the worship team.
Every single week, it becomes more of a struggle not to run up to the front and lead my brothers and sisters a little deeper into the throneroom of God.
Every single week, I become more and more confident in the fact that I don't worship for my own benefit (which I used to doubt.) I realize more and more that it really is ALL for Him.
I'm even starting to think that I'm supposed to start working on a CD. (Don't laugh at me. If nothing else, it's about facing my own insecurities and stepping out in faith.)
So...for 15 months, I've been hoarding my heart of worship and keeping it to myself. I've been prideful in thinking that I know exactly how God wants to use me and doubting my Pastor when he has told me that I belong in the worship ministry.
To my Elston Family, I'm sorry. I've been prideful and selfish in this area, and I am truly sorry for that.
Remember just a couple of weeks ago, when I told you I was sure that God has called me to speak? Well, he's been refining that call and showing me all that comes with such a calling. Over and over again, Ephesians 4, then entire chapter, has been brought to mind.
I've been focusing on the first part of the chapter, v. 1-15, for the past two weeks, and it has really started to take root in my heart. It's a set of instructions, a set of warnings/reminders, and a promise...all together! It's so relevant to me right now, and I want to not only read this and hear it, but I want to DO it. I want it to become a hallmark in my life.
Verses 1-4 give us four instructions:
1. Live a life worthy of the calling you have received.
2. Be completely humble and gentle.
3. Be patient, bearing with each other in a loving way.
4. Do everything you can to be unified with each other.
Verses 7-13 give us a few reminders and warnings:
1. God is the one who has given us our talents and abilities.
2. God has made each of us different.
3. The whole reason we've been given abilities is to prepare God's people for service and to "build up" the body of Christ.
4. That job (the preparing and the building up) is not finished until we are all unified and mature...living just like Jesus Christ.
Verses 14 and 15 give us an awesome promise:
If we do these things: if we follow these instructions (while remembering these warnings), we will, in fact, reach our goal. We will become mature and unified. We will help each other grow more and get closer to living like Christ.
Verses 17 - 32 give us further descriptions of maturity...things that help build unity. The instruction that has been standing out to me more strongly for nearly a week now is v. 29, "Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
For as long as I can remember, I have worried that I talk too much. It was one of my very first "unsatisfactory" marks in grade school. "Classroom Behavior - U (talks too much)" It has haunted me ever since. Even friends have unwittingly fed into the lie.
So...I've been trying (rather unsuccessfully) to talk less.
Very recently, at the SheSpeaks conference, I realized that I'm not talking too much. I'm simply talking about all the wrong things. I'll make "That's What She Said" jokes with my friends, but I won't hold them accountable when I see them making irresponsible decisions. I'll hold in all my frustrations with a friend, then blow-up with I finally can't hold it in any longer.
I could give several other examples, but it really boils down to a couple of things:
1. I doubt my calling. I find it very hard to believe that God has called me, a prize-winning blow-hard, to speak His words of encouragement and instruction. It's evident in my hesitation to bring correction to people that I love. It's also evident in the way that I take no responsibility for the consequences of bad decisions in others' lives...even when it's possible that I could have helped them avoid the consequences simply by speaking the truth that God had given me.
2. I am extremely impatient with people. I have grown a lot in patience in my personal life: saving for a vacation, waiting on God's timing for a new house, etc... However, when I see areas where friends and loved ones (and even myself) need to grow, I want to see the growth happen immediately. My lack of patience is evident in the frustration that I feel toward myself and many of my friends and family. It's evident in the harsh way I speak with others and the crazy expectations I hold for myself. It's evident in my laziness...I know that true life-transformation is going to take a lot of energy and time, so, many times, I choose to ignore the fact that I need to change and that my friends need my help.
So...
I'm determined to begin living a worthy life. I am going to try, with everything I've got (and relying a lot on God), to be completely humble and gentle, to be patient with others, to always deal lovingly with them. I am going to constantly remind myself that my calling and my abilities have been given to me by God and that it is a sin...a huge sin...to keep them to myself and only use them for my benefit. I am going to remind myself that my gifts and abilities are meant to build up the body of Christ and prepare them for service.
If you read something that is not encouraging or uplifting on this blog (or on Not2Us), point it out. If you know me in real life and you hear me speaking in a harsh or hurtful tone, if you hear me gossiping, or if you feel like I'm holding back or being selfish, point it out.
And pray for me. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of change that needs to happen in this area of my life. Thank you!
Believe it or not, this is not all that God has brought to my attention over the past couple of weeks. I've got more confessions to make, so check back tomorrow! (Maybe once I clear out the junk from my soul, I'll be back to posting more fun things to read. Got a suggestion? Put it on the Skribbit!)