Hi! I'm Lindsay. I'm not sure about you, but I generally like to see the person who is talking to me or writing to me. So, this is a picture of me. I hold a lot of positions in life (like wife, mother, daughter, friend), but at the core of it all, I'm just me. Thanks for stopping by! I hope you stay. Enjoy!
Do you know what one of my biggest blessings has been in the past 18 months or so? It's my friends. Many of you who read this blog fit into that category. I had a really good friend in elementary school. Then, her family switched churches, and it was really hard to stay in touch. I had another really good friend in sixth and seventh grade. Then, someone lied to her about me, and we drifted apart. I had a really good friend in eighth grade, but we ended up going to different high schools, and the friendship stopped there.
High school was peppered with good friends and strong acquaintances...people I still care about and wish the best for. However, I never once had a really deep sister type of friend in high school. I think I was probably fairly good at ignoring it on the outside. But maybe not. I was desperate. I was totally and completely insecure. I never trusted that anyone actually enjoyed hanging out with me. Middle school burned me enough times to teach me that what people said wasn't always what they meant or actually thought.
There was one particular night in middle school when several of the girls whom I thought were my "friends" had a party without me. I think the worst part was that I didn't even find out by accident. They were nice enough to call me that night, all of them together, and taunt me with the fact that they were together having a party, and I was, most certainly, not invited. The saddest part is that I really didn't need them to help me see how unworthy I was. I already felt that way. I already felt like a "less than." Their actions simply confirmed my worst fears of what other people thought about me or said about me when I wasn't around.
It surprises me to find myself writing these words, because, until this very moment, I probably would have told you that it didn't bother me all that bad. There's even part of me that wants to be really strong and fierce and scream, "But it really didn't bother me! Look at me! I'm fine. I have a wonderful, healthy family. I am blessed beyond measure. I'm happy!!" And that is all very true...very well and good. However, I would be completely lying if I said that I don't carry remnants of that night with me every day of my life.
I have a very deep insecurity about my relationships in life. I have been privvy to many situations that some of you can't even imagine. I have had people tell me, to my face, that they hate me. I have had people tell me, to my face, that they couldn't stand me when they first met me. If some people are bold enough to say that to my face, I shudder to think what many more are saying behind my back. Even worse...what they're thinking inside their heads but far too polite to ever acknowledge outloud.
Amazingly, I still find myself fairly confident today, as a newly minted 26 year old. I know who I am. I know my strengths, and I know my weaknesses even better. I don't struggle too badly with believing that I am valuable.
But I do struggle very badly with wondering whether other people see that value. I struggle immensely, wondering if my weaknesses and mistakes and failures are so blindingly obvious that my good qualities are quickly and easily wiped away.
These fears would absolutely eat me for lunch and throw away the leftovers, if it weren't for a very wonderful and amazing group of people who choose to love me. I could tell myself how much my parents love me or how much my husband loves me...but it wouldn't do much good. My parents have to love me, they gave birth to me. My husband better love me...he already made this choice, he can't go back now! :)
However, people like my brother, or Sarah, or Amy...they don't have to love me. They did not choose to be related to me, and they did not make a legal/spiritual commitment to love me. They simply choose to love me. I have never been a perfect sister or friend. They choose, in spite of all my weaknesses, failures, and slips of the tongue, to love and care for me.
People like Kirsten, or Emily, or April...they don't have to care for me. They don't have to come and spend time with me. I have usually thoroughly annoyed myself by the end of their visits. I can only imagine how they feel when they walk out the door. But they come again. They come and show me that they care.
People like Kristy, or Jessica, or Angela...they don't have to remember me. They don't have to send adorable pictures, or deliver sweet tea, or call and sing me Happy Birthday. No one is making them do those things. They are making a choice.
People like Shelly, or Cheryl, or Julie, or Rachel, or the dozens of girls on my board...they don't have to support me...they don't even know me. I am a username on a message board. I am a random girl who blogs about random things who happens to be going through a small trial. They don't have to e-mail me to tell me what God is doing in their life, or forward hilarious allergy clothing websites, or make book recommendations, or offer to do Burke's newborn pictures. They do not have to do these things. But they do.
I could go on for hours listing the people who have shown me love over the past twelve weeks. But I don't want you to get the wrong idea: I don't point this out as any sort of commendation to myself.
I don't deserve any of it. I'm just a regular girl turning into a regular woman. I'm just a regular daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend.
But these people? They are amazing.
Weekly, they are choosing to sacrifice their own comforts to bring me joy in the middle of a trial. Weekly, they are choosing to put aside their own trials to help me through mine. Weekly, they are stepping up beside me and walking down this road with me.
Without them, it would have been a dreary journey indeed. But they made a choice to bless me. They made a choice to love me. They are an inspiration.
Today, on my birthday, my wish is that each of you who has taken a moment to support my family during this time would be blessed beyond your wildest dreams. Not with wealth or the things of our society, but with friendship and love.
You have amazed me with your friendship, and you have inspired me to be a better friend. Thank you for your incredible gift. I am left deeply indebted.
I promise I haven't forgotten about this blog. I'm simply not much bloggy fun these days. I just feel kinda "eh". :) I guess that's to be expected after three months of bedrest. I have to admit that my handheld Yahtzee game has held more appeal than my blog recently, as well. :)
What have you all been up to? I feel so disconnected and out of it. When I think too much about "after bedrest", I start to get really anxious. I feel like an enigma. (I had to look that word up in the dictionary. It felt right, but I had to make sure. Turns out, it was perfect: "enigma - a person of puzzling or contradictory character.")
To be completely honest, I feel like a very different person than I was three months ago. The basics are the same. I still love to laugh, and I still love people. Music still moves me, and my family's happiness is still my greatest thrill. I'm still an opinionated ol' broad, and I still have to be mindful of my tongue.
But...I'm different. I don't know how to describe it. I feel older. (Don't laugh!) Plus, I don't know where I'll fit when this is over. After Ruby was born, people stopped asking me to do things. They all claimed I was so busy with a newborn and they didn't want to overwhelm me. It was really hard for me, because I totally had time and energy and desire to do more than I was doing.
Now, I'm really afraid that it's going to happen again. "Don't ask Lindsay...she's recovering from bedrest and she's got a toddler and a newborn." ??? I don't get it.
There were (and have since been) other people with newborns and/or multiple children at home, and no one ever worried that they didn't have time to help or contribute. In fact, multiple responsibilities and requests were piled upon those other mothers.
I guess I'm worried that I give off the wrong impression. Maybe I make it seem like I'm busier/more overwhelmed than I actually am. Or maybe I'm just trying to be involved in the wrong things. Or maybe I just don't have as much to contribute as I assume.
Anyway, I say all of that to say that I'm just really nervous about coming off bedrest. What if I don't fit in my life anymore? What if everyone has moved on without me and my place is gone? What if I'm even less needed, now that everyone realizes how easy it was to do things without me?
But on the other hand, there's a really big part of me that doesn't want to fit back into my life. There's a part of me that's really glad everyone has moved on and my place has been filled. There's a part of me that feels free, since I'm not needed. Now, I can more accurately evaluate where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing.
See? Enigma.
And, for me, Enigma = Anxiety
:)
What does it matter if we have an inaccurate view of ourselves?
Well...it matters a lot. It matters more than anything. It affects every single aspect of our life. You don't believe me? Keep reading.
Let's just start with one very simple example. Our self-perception, our self-identity, affects the way we interact with other people. (And, can we just call it SP? And you'll know I'm not talking about spelling? From here on out: SP stands for self-perception. The definition of self-perception is the way we see ourselves. Okay? Okay.) Anyway, our SP affects our interactions with other people. For ease of illustration, let's evaluate the way our SP affects our interactions with strangers.
Think about it for a few minutes before you continue reading. How do you react to strangers? How do you interact with them? Are you outgoing? Are you shy? Are you trusting? Are you wary? Do you assume people are generally good or generally bad? When you walk away, what are you thinking about?
Or how about this:
Do you look the cashier in the eye? Do you say "thank you" to the young man who bags your groceries? Do you joke with your waitress? Do you ask her how her day has gone? If something is wrong with your meal, do you bring it to his attention? *How* do you bring it to his attention?
All of your answers to these questions have to do with your SP. We'll narrow it down to one of these situations. Say you're eating dinner at a nice restaurant and your meal is not up to your standard. We'll say that you ordered spaghetti, and, when it arrives, it's a little cold.
If your SP is a little too high, then you may feel like you deserve a nice, hot meal. After all, you've worked hard to make enough money to come eat dinner at this nice restaurant. It's the waitress's responsibility to get your meal out to you...nice and hot. By golly, you're going to show her exactly how much you deserve that nice, hot meal, and you're also going to show her how poorly she's performing her duties. As soon as she comes back by the table...
If your SP is a little too low, then you may feel like you don't deserve a nice, hot meal. After all, the waitress is working much harder than you've had to work today. You had a nice relaxing Saturday with your family. She's been running around the restaurant, waiting on people all day long. You don't deserve to put one more worry on her plate. You'll just go ahead and eat your dinner with out saying a word.
Neither of these situations is great. The truth is that it's a balance: you deserve a nice hot meal, but the waitress also deserves respect and the benefit of the doubt. In all honesty, she may have had *nothing* to do with your cold meal. The cooks get the meal ready, and she delivers it to your table. If you're employing a healthy and accurate SP, then you realize that you are certainly worthy of a nice, hot meal, but you also realize that the waitress is someone just like you. She's trying to do her job, and it's highly likely that she did not stick your meal in the fridge before bringing it out to you.
Chances are, when the waitress makes it around to your table again, you'll politely mention that your spaghetti is cold and you'll ask her if there's anyway you could have a fresh portion of spaghetti. If you bring the situation to her attention with respect, you'll most likely end up with a hot plate of spaghetti, and maybe even a free desert. Not only that, but you have helped to preserve the waitresses SP, as well. Perhaps you'll be the reason she heads home with her chin up, happy that she was able to help a customer, instead of heading home with tears streaming down her face.
This is such a small example, but do you see how your view of yourself affects how you see others? If you give yourself too much credit, then it's easy to give someone else too little credit. If you give yourself too little credit, then it's easy to give someone else too much credit.
Okay, this is a little rough. I'll be back tomorrow with more. I'm trying to think of the best way to describe what I'm talking about. Hopefully some of my point is coming through. :) If this post didn't make any sense, check back later to see if I'm able to explain myself better. :)
So, we've explored the bad news: part one and part two. I'm curious if you all agree with what I'm thinking regarding all of that. You can leave an anonymous comment that simply says "Agree" or "Disagree". Or you can leave no comment at all. Like I said, I'm just curious.
The core of my thinking in this regard isn't really about bad or good news. It's not about bad or good people. It's more about our self-perception: how we see ourselves. I think we get it all distorted far too often. The bad news is that we rarely see ourselves in an accurate true light.
Unfortunately, I thought of more bad news. I know I said it was over, but there is another way that we see ourselves, and it's not good, either. The truth is that while we often over-estimate ourselves, we often short-change ourselves, as well. We get down on ourselves. We downplay our successes and our abilities/talents. We shrug off praise in false humility or in simple ignorance of just exactly what we've done. We go through periods where we don't believe that we're having any positive impact on our own life, much less the lives around us.
I don't know about you, but I've gone through some really extreme periods like this. I have had times in my life where I *literally* felt like I was completely useless. Thankfully, it has been a long time since I've felt that way. However, I remember how terrible it was to feel that way. I remember the sheer hopelessness that accompanied my lack of purpose and value. I really thought I was dirt.
I was really wrong. I wasn't giving myself enough credit.
We, as humans, view ourselves two different ways: Either we give ourselves too much credit or we give ourselves too little credit. You wanna know the weirdest thing? The majority of the time, we're doing both.
This is where you stare at your screen with a confused expression. Aren't those two self-perceptions opposite of each other? How can we view ourselves both ways? Maybe I mean that part of the time we view ourselves one way and then part of the time we view ourselves the other way.
That's partially true. Above, when I described feeling worthless, I can honestly say that, at that time in my life, I was only operating in a mindset where I severely underestimated my value. Sadly, there have been times in my life where I have severely overestimated my value, as well. Just ask anyone who knew me during my junior and senior years of high school.
However, by and large, I really believe we view ourselves *both* ways, at the *same* time. I think we divide ourselves and then rank those different divisions:
I am an average wife.
I am an excellent mother.
I am an average daughter.
I am a terrible daughter in law.
I am a great sister.
I am a less than average sister in law.
I am a wonderful friend.
I am a terrible friend.
I am an excellent worker.
I am a useless church member...
Do you see what I mean? There are even parts where we literally feel like we're both. In some ways, in some friendships, I feel like I'm a really good friend. In other ways, in other friendships, I feel like I'm a terrible friend. The truth is probably neither.
So...we've got these inaccurate views of ourselves. The question is: So what? What does it matter if I hold an inaccurate view of myself?
Well...I'm going to try to address that next. For now, however, I'm going to stop here. I'm sorry we're still on the "bad" news. I'm also kind of sorry I gave it that title. I think as we continue on, we'll begin to see that it's really not "bad" news...it's just news...a new way of viewing ourselves.
Anyway, think on this and decide if you think I'm on the right track or not. Does this connect with you? Can you see these things in your own life, or am I the only one?
Sometimes we deceive ourselves. Other times, we are misled.
Our society, in fact, our world, is doing a really good job of currently misleading us. We are being told, from multiple sources, that there is no definite value of "good" or "true." It's all about figuring out what works for you or your family. Everything is relative.
For some subjects, actually quite a few subjects, I agree. Is red a good color? It depends on where and how you are planning to display this color. :)
For other subjects, I whole-heartedly disagree. Is murder a good action? No. Not ever.
This idea of relative thinking has led us into a life of comparative living. We base a lot of our actions on "better." We figure as long as we're doing better than someone or something else, then we're doing good.
I just don't think that's right. I think we all have a best. I think doing any less than that of which we are fully capable is bad...or at least less than good.
Take Usain Bolt as an example. He currently holds the world record in the 100 m dash, with a run time of 9.69 seconds. Most people would say that's a good record. Most people would say that was a good run. Most people would say he did a good job. He beat everyone else on that track by a leg length at least.
However, he stopped running a good 20 m before the race was even finished. He slowed down, because he knew he had it in the bag.
That's less than good. He could have done better. If he had kept pushing himself towards the best, he would have done better than he did. So, while his record is impressive, while his record is better than any that has been reached before this time, it is still less than what it could have been. It is still less than what I believe he will make it in the future. So it's less than good.
Now, don't stop reading my posts. I know this sounds harsh. And, please, believe me when I say that I'm not judgmental about this. Please believe me when I say that I am constantly trying to remind myself of this fact, as well. Please believe me when I say that I realize that there are several areas where each of our "bests" will fall at a different point on the spectrum.
I guess the only thing I'm trying to point out is that sometimes we get a skewed sense of our bad areas, because we compare them to other people's bad areas. We can actually even forget that what we're doing is bad, because it's not as bad as something else. In the case of controlling my speech, it's often easy for me to say, "Well, what I said really wasn't bad, seeing as how I really wanted to say ______." Or "I know that I lose control of my speech sometimes. However, I'm not as bad as I used to be." Or "Man, I thought my speech was bad, but at least I don't say the kinds of things that Susie Q says."
Many times, we diminish our worsts by saying, "At least I'm not as bad as..." or "At least I don't..."
That line of thinking leads us into a trap of settling for less than good and forgetting our true identity. We decide that we're pretty good, even though we're less than our best. I believe that kind of thinking leads us to miss out on a whole, whole lot. It leads us a to live a life that is less than good, less than best.
Stick with me, okay? This is the last of the bad news. The good stuff is around the corner. And it'll make more sense for why we had to even discuss the bad news.
Because the truth of the matter is that:
When we finally understand who we really are...
When we finally stop living our life "better than"...
When we start looking at ourselves in an accurate and unskewed light...
Then we realize how much more we are capable of accomplishing.
We realize how much more blessing is out there for us to receive.
We realize that we are free to start living our life as the "best of"...
When we finally realize that there is something more amazing than this "better than" life we've been living, we get really excited.
We get excited, because we finally understand that there really is more to this life.
And don't we all want a little more?
So stick with me, okay? The best is yet to come.